The Concise Coaching Handbook by Elizabeth Dickinson

Author:Elizabeth Dickinson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Business Expert Press
Published: 2018-07-03T09:53:03+00:00

How do I want to create a more effective coaching presence?

When will I commit to start?

Chapter 3

Using Active Listening

Being listened to is so much like being loved that most people can’t tell the difference.

—Unknown

We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak.

—Epictetus, former slave and Greek philosopher

The Importance of Presence in Active Listening

While there are specific techniques I will share to use active listening, those techniques are built on demonstrating an accepting presence and attitude, and treating someone else as the expert in their own life. Active listening is the active part in demonstrating unconditional positive regard.

What active listening creates

Active listening to someone else may be the greatest gift you can offer another person. A large part of this is because active listening creates a safe emotional space. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety is the second most basic need, immediately after food, water, shelter, and warmth.

We often interpret safety to mean physical safety. However, emotional safety is just as important to being—and feeling—secure, stable, and free from fear (the components of both physical and emotional safety).

Consistent active listening in relationships is also a buffer against times when there are the inevitable misunderstandings or disappointments. A history of consistent active listening in relationships or organizations promotes trust. The biggest gift of trust is that it offers protection when there are unintended miscommunications or when something is mishandled unknowingly.

Essentially, if a person feels listened to by another person (or organization), it will encourage him or her to give you or that organization the benefit of the doubt in unfamiliar or mishandled situations.

Active listening creates a sense of safety because feeling heard is a basic human need. According to mediation training centers, good listening can transform relationships, alleviate the need for decision-making, resolve conflicts, and solve problems.

However, simply listening without using active listening skills isn’t always enough to make a person feel heard. If the other person hasn’t felt heard, it’s often a sign that person doing the listening is too passive or disengaged.

Even if one person is listening intently, using active listening skills can promote a deeper connection between people, and help the person listened to “hear themselves think,” which helps them discover and/or commit to solutions.

Sometimes people who demonstrate unconditional acceptance of ­others are also naturally good listeners. However, there are specific and easy skills to learn which demonstrate active listening.

What is active listening?

Active listening is:

The conscious effort to hear

The creation of a respectful space

The placing of full attention on the speaker

The communication of active availability

The reflecting back of what is said

The withholding of judgment and rebuttals (at least while the speaker is talking!)

The understanding (or at least the effort to understand) not just what is said, but what is meant

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